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LiveJournal for Megan Marie (that's me!)
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| Friday, September 26th, 2008 |
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I miss the days of introspection and insight and having time to journal the night away. I don't miss dating high schoolers. You may think to yourself "Well hopefully you haven't dated high schoolers very recently, considering as that could be kind of illegal." No, I haven't dated anyone who is in high school since I was 17 myself. However, the last few guys I've dated have been high schoolers in college. Yes, you read that right. I don't really know why I picked them. Obviously, looking back with hindsight and knowing everything I know now, I feel pretty stupid for dating them at all. But at the time... what did I miss? How do I get so caught up that I miss what should probably be big red flags at the time? How do I see red flags and just ignore them? Do I try to date people with whom I know things won't work out for one reason or another? Not intentionally, no. But what happens, then? Well, rather than go back and try to analyze my thought process at the beginning of many failed relationships, I'd like to look forward, to what I will be doing in the future. 1. I will have standards. This isn't to say I've been completely standard-less and dating just any old Joe off the street, but I start kind of dating a guy and my standards "adjust". Certain things are not negotiable. And I'm tired of trying to negotiate them, so rather than try to make someone fit the mold I want them to fit, I'll try to find someone who is a better fit all by himself. What a concept. 2. I will be aware. This goes with #1. It's sometimes hard to do that when I am right there in the midst of it all, but I need to see things better than I have in the past. This also goes with #3 so I will explain more there. 3. I will not rush. I never intentionally rush into relationships, honestly. It just happens. I was realizing that I think I knew my last boyfriend for a little less than a month before we were "boyfriend and girlfriend". What does that even mean after a month! How could I have even known who he was by then? I didn't, which was part of the problem; hence, I will do my best to get to know the person (see #1-Standards) before we are "boyfriend and girlfriend." Obviously a lot of getting-to-know-each-other happens after the fact, but... still. A month? Megan megan megan... 4. I will know me better. I suppose this should have been #1, but I'll end with it for now. It kind of encompasses all of these, really. I want to know who I really am and what I really want. How can I know what I want out of a relationship if I don't even know what I want out of me? I don't think I can. So it's going to be a lot of get-to-know-Megan time. I guess lots of those overlap but whatever, it's my list so I can have all the redundancy and repetitiveness that I want. :) You know what, I have been single for almost a year. I think that is practically a record for me! (last time I was single for a year or more was... maybe junior year of high school? No... I don't even know. I was probably like 13. Anyway.) I'm getting much more used to the idea. It used to be weird to be single... now it might be weird to be in a relationship. No, I wouldn't go that far. I'll probably get into it really easily whenever it happens. But no rush. Honestly, no rush. For now, bedtime. |
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| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008 |
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So I got back from my week-and-a-day-long road trip today! It was a lot of fun :) Friday I drove up to San Luis Obispo (SLO to save time) and met up with CJ and his friend Mark. From there, the three of us went to San Francisco and saw Fishbone in concert. They were crazy! Also we had Ethiopian food for dinner. Interesting. Saturday we did some shopping (I bought a great hat and a sweatshirt), went to Amoeba, and ate at Escape From New York (really good pizza place!). That night we went to a musical called "InSignificant Others" at Pier 39. It was really funny! There were some songs about Starbucks taking over the world, which I appreciated! haha. Then we went to Hard Rock Cafe' and I had no less than THREE drinks! That breaks my record of one and a little. I figured it was a good night because no one was driving (we were taking cabs) and I found a really good drink-White Russians. Yum! I have more to say about that but I'll come back to it. Sunday we had lunch at this place that is famous for Fish and Chips I think and then basically came back to SLO. We dropped Mark off at his parents' house on the way and CJ and I watched Batman Begins. I liked it a lot! This could be because I really like Christian Bale combined with the fact that I really like Batman in general. Anyway. Monday I drove up to Merced to see Heidi and Daniel! We watched Transformers and went to their Bible study. I really liked it. I think I need to join a Bible study but now I have no free nights, so this may be trickier than I thought. Hm... Then we came back to their house and watched Much Ado About Nothing. (Good hug, good hug) That was a great movie. Definitely one I could watch again! Tuesday was kind of lazy. We (at least I!) slept in. Heidi and I went to get her a TB test (which was negative! Thank goodness!!) aaaand visited Daniel at Best Buy (selected some camera accessories for myself) aaaaand stopped by Heidi's work aaaaand visited her sister aaaaaand saw her father before we dashed home, made a delicious dinner and went to volleyball. Came home and watched That 70's Show with Daniel. Wednesday we went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. That was so much fun! I love the little otters with their cute little faces and oh!! So so so cute! Took a lot of pictures. Then we went to Fisherman's Wharf and had a delicious dinner! Then we came home and watched Wedding Crashers. That was such a good day. Seriously that was awesome! Thursday I left Merced for SLO again, for CJ's birthday. We and some of his friends went to Village Host for dinner (pizza!!!) and then went to a bar (something like Frog and Peach) and hung out for a while. I think he had a good birthday! Friday I kicked around CJ's house packing and getting ready to go (CJ had class). I did some shopping and then went to Emilie and Scott's house in Atascadero! It was so good to see them. I don't think I've seen them since their wedding in September of '05!! We came back to SLO for dinner (at Upper Crust, an Italian restaurant) and then got coffee/hot chocolate at Linnea's. That was yum! Aaaaand then we went back to their house and watched Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events. That's a cute movie but kind of dark, actually. Saturday (today!) the three of us went to Justin winery for a wine tasting and we got to keep the glasses! I kind of liked one of the wines but it was really alcohol-y so I could probably only drink like three or four sips. We also went to this candy store in Paso Robles that was amazing! They were playing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and they had so many different kinds of candy! It was great. Then we went home, had lunch, and I left for home shortly thereafter. I got stuck in some traffic on the way back, too, which was kinda sucky. Then tonight was movie night at Ian and Kathryn's. We watched Death to Smoochy. That was also very good. So I had a great week! Very busy but relaxing and fun and so good to see friends, especially friends I haven't seen in a while! I need to do this more often. Too bad I have a full-time job now, eh? (What's YOUR business in Canada, man!) Ok but now I need to go to bed because I have a busy day tomorrow! Church and both of my jobs!! :) Busy busy! good night :) |
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008 |
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I'm trying to be honest with myself. It doesn't always work. I try to fool myself but I know I'm trying to do it so why do I fall for it? I should know better! Have you ever blown your nose and gotten light-headed? Yeah, me neither. I feel like if I'm more honest with myself I will be able to be more honest with others. That makes sense, right? Ok I'm going to go watch more Grey's Anatomy before I go to bed. It's 8:15 and I'm already thinking about bed! I must be getting old!! :) Well, I am getting over a virus. I didn't post it publicly, but CJ kissed me. He also said he might be down in a week or so and that he'd call me. That's a good sign, right? Don't worry about it, Megan! Well, I'm not worrying, but I am wondering. There's a difference... (sorry that paragraph was really schizo of me.) I don't know if I want my job to be a long-term thing. It's got great benefits, I'm making good money, but I think I'm starting to get bored. And I get frustrated when people who don't deserve praise get praise and I deserve praise a lot of the time and I'm just overlooked! I know that's life and I know life's not fair but THAT DOESN'T HELP. I would really like to meet whoever said "Life's not fair" so I could punch him in the nose. So what if it's true? We don't need to talk about it! Or use it as an excuse for things! Ok seriously, I'm going to go watch TV and go to bed. I'm sick. |
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| Monday, December 31st, 2007 |
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last entry for 2007, first entry as a 22-year-old!! It's been a pretty good year! It had sucky times but it also had some really good times. I think there were more good times than sucky times. We got a roommate! A girl who lived on the same floor as me my freshman year stopped by to look at the apartment yesterday and she decided to move in, so she moved in today! It was really perfect timing and I think we're going to get along great. So on Christmas Eve, I hung out with CJ and he kissed me. :) I could probably go on but I'll do that some other time. You will not believe this, but I tried shrimp. Actual shrimp! CJ took me to a Spanish restaurant last night and I tried a bite of shrimp AND some tuna! I can't believe it! The food was really good though. My favorite was this marinated chicken. It was very tasty! Then we walked around downtown, went back to Brian's and watched a German movie, I think it was called "Head On". It was interesting. I had a good night. Tonight I'm babysitting. Crazy way to ring in the new year, I know. Oh well. Maybe I'll do something crazy next year. I mean, I did drink a whole pint! Oh also last night I tried Sangria! There's no stopping me now! :) Ok... guess I better go... Happy New Year! Don't drink and drive! |
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| Tuesday, November 27th, 2007 |
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So I hung out with my friend CJ the other night and I was telling Sarah about everything that happened (really girly-like) and I said something like "Do you think he might like me?" and she said "Yes. Guys like you." Guys like me. I used to pray for guys to break down my door like my parents always claimed they would. I wanted so badly to be liked and wanted. Now I just want to be wanted by the right one. Not just "guys". Guy. I guess that's too much to ask for. Funnily enough, I got a call yesterday from Ben, my brother's friend I kinda dated for like a week almost 2 years ago. He asked me to coffee or to dinner, and we talked for almost two hours. It didn't work out last time, but I was the one who kind of initiated the fact that it didn't work, so maybe he thinks it will this time? I don't know. I'm not saying it won't but... I'm doubtful. I do hope something might happen with CJ though. I'm not really getting my hopes up, but he's a really great guy. The only thing is that he lives in Northern CA. That's kinda lame. |
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| Monday, November 12th, 2007 |
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So my news is that Doug and I are no longer dating. I'm doing ok now. It was hard this past week as everything deteriorated but now that it's officially over, I'm doing good most of the time. I think it's most frustrating that EVERYONE ELSE gets it and he doesn't. Seriously, everyone else gets it. But sometimes it hurts more than others. He was gone for work (out of state) for almost two weeks. We had plans to hang out Friday and Saturday (the day after he got back and the next day). He changed plans so a group of us went to Disneyland on Friday night. He knows I don't like it when he changes plans last minute, but I was fine (except that he kind of ignored me the whole night). Saturday we were going to spend the day together (or at least the evening), and his parents said they wanted to hang out with him, so he told me that his parents were going to hang out with us (changing plans last minute again!), which meant I still didn't get to spend any time with him just the two of us. I got upset but went anyway. I was civil but not excited or really happy (understandably so, when his actions said he didn't want to spend time with me!) We didn't talk for about three days after that. When we did talk, he was incredibly, unbelievably mad at me for being upset. He felt I was unreasonable for being upset, even after I told him that his behavior showed me that he didn't want to spend time with me even after I suggested that he postpone hanging out with his parents so he could hang out with me since I wouldn't see him for the next few days. After that we didn't talk again for about a week because he needed to "think". Think about what? I'm not really sure. When it all comes down, he needs to put me first (and after nearly a year, that's not an unreasonable expectation. Really it shouldn't have taken that long; I had been putting him first basically since we began dating). And ultimately he needs to grow up and he refuses to do it. We went to a wedding on Saturday and he ignored me the entire day. That night it was definitely clear that we were over. He still thinks I'm unreasonable for not settling to be #2 until we're engaged. Whatever! I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to decide arbitrarily that when we're engaged, I'm your first priority. What happens when that day comes and you're still putting family in front of me? I also want to clarify, I'm not saying he should ignore his family or not help his family, etc. I think family is important and valuable. But when you're in a relationship (clarification: when you're in a mature, committed, adult relationship) your significant other comes first. You shouldn't neglect other friends or family, not at all. At 22 FRICKEN years old, he can't put me in front of mommy and daddy (yes, that was sarcasm, in case you missed it. May not be that effective online, especially considering I call my parents mommy and daddy!) I'm ready for an adult, mature relationship. He clearly has chosen not to be. And by the way, I looked HOT at the wedding, and he STILL ignored me, I think to "teach me a lesson" or something. How childish (even though apparently I was childish for getting upset that he didn't want to spend time with just me after not having seen me for two weeks!). I want honesty, communication, MATURITY, responsibility, priority, and love of God in a relationship. Somehow I keep dating guys that are not in the same place that I am. I am FRICKEN ready to date someone who is on the same page I am on! I don't want it to happen tomorrow (I haven't moved on quite that fast) but I'm sick of this. I know I mentioned it before, but it's like every single other person understands the situation and is "siding" with me, so to speak. I don't have any self-esteem or self-worth issues, believe me. I know I'd be a great "catch" (or some more contemporary phrase). How can everyone else get it? Oh, because he's stubborn and immature, that's right. It hurts, I'm not gonna lie, and every once in a while I still cry. But more than anything it's maddening. I know I'm worth it, and he can't see it. It doesn't matter enough to him to try. |
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| Tuesday, July 10th, 2007 |
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I don't want to be dissatisfied with where I am in life right now. I don't want to be one of those people who can't be happy with where they are without wanting something in the future. I really, truly don't want to be one of those people. Knowing me, I've probably written out against them at some time in my long journaling past. And yet I find myself, here, just wanting so badly to be married. (I hope I can look at this someday and laugh, because I'm sure when it all comes down it's very comical, but at the moment all it does is frustrate and depress me.) I doubt I'll be able to convey all of what I'm thinking and feeling in a way that makes sense since it doesn't always make sense even to me, and I'm the one thinking it, but I'm going to try. It's like this place somewhere down inside of my lungs, not really my heart I wouldn't say, because it's right there in the middle of my ribs is this ache, almost. Maybe it's not really my heart or deep-seated feelings at all; maybe it's just me trying to hold back tears. It could be some combination of both. I know marriage isn't magical or some special cure-all. I get that, I really do. I know it's hard and it's work and it's a lifelong committment. I can know all this without having to live it. I can cognitavely grasp that idea. And yet it's also this wonderful expression of love. Why is it I want to be married so badly? I refuse to accept the idea that it's because I'm female and all females want to get married. I don't deny that that's part of it, I'm sure that that plays a part. But I can't attribute this longing to my anatomy, I just can't. Is it because my parents got divorced and so I want some committment, some sort of something constant? That might be another part, but again, I'm hesitant to pin it all on poor me, my parents got divorced. They also got remarried and have been married for 14ish years now. So again, that might be a part but I can't see blaming my desire for committment on my parents "lack" thereof. You know what else super frustrates me about this? That so many people get married when they don't seem to deserve it. I don't know if I can really explain it, but it's like why can they get married and I can't? And whoever said life isn't fair can go eat worms. "Life isn't fair", while it can be very true, is probably my most despised phrase ever. Ever. I really mean it. So what if life isn't fair, that doesn't make what I'm going through any better. It doesn't explain anything. Don't rub my face in the fact that life's not fair. I don't care if life isn't fair, I want fairness. Why, beyond the fact that life's not fair, should I not get fairness? Hm? Ok, ok, so poor me, pity party for me, right? Oh well, this is my journal and this is what I want to write about. Dang it, I'm going to have a headache tomorrow, I hate crying before I go to bed. I love Doug. I love him so much I want to marry him. He loves me too, and he wants to marry me, too. But in this somehow theoretical someday we'll get married sort of way. I can't really function that way. I am too ready to grow up, I'm too ready to move on, I can't just be static. Maybe that's it. I crave the motion or activity. But how does that fit in with me wanting something stable and constant? Knowing me, it probably doesn't. So here's some of my logic: I want Doug to marry me. How can I get him to marry me? Well crying and telling him I want to be married doesn't seem like the best plan of action. I want him to want to, which doesn't really work since he does want to. How can I be so ready and have to wait? This is hypothetical, but why wouldn't he want to? Ok well I have to go to bed sometime and since I'm really not getting anywhere it may as well be now. |
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| Sunday, April 15th, 2007 |
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So it's been a while since I've updated. I don't have as much time now to update due to my full-time job and my full-time boyfriend and my part-time sleeping. I also have come to the point where I still find my life interesting and analyze-able, but I feel like life shouldn't be so much about me. I know, it took me long enough. But I still like to journal, so when I find the time, I will. And I'm sure I still have moments when I think everything should be about me. Quite often, actually. But I am getting better at stifling the urges (sometimes) to just focus on me me me. Today (the 14th) is me and Doug's Five Month Anniversary!! He's so great. He's a dork and he's weird, but so am I, so it's perfect. I mean, it really is. I can really be myself around him, and he can be real around me, too. I love him a lot. Ok, so until I update again, try to listen more than you speak. It's hard to do, but I think it's a good habit to have. So does James (from the Bible). Check it out sometime. |
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| Wednesday, February 21st, 2007 |
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((Warning: kinda long... this is what happens when I don't update frequently... although occasionally I have long entries even when I update daily, so... deal with it. Or don't. Whatever.)) I got a new job!! I found out today that this job I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago wants to hire me, and once they gave me all the details, I accepted their offer! I'm getting almost a $5 an hour raise, and there are benefits up the wazoo (is that how you spell it?) including bi-annual performance-evaluation-based bonuses, a retirement account that they automatically put money into for me, a life insurance policy that I don't pay for (but it's pretty hefty, I'll say that), and (one of my favorites) they pay for half of my monthly fees at a gym... so if I sign up while I'm still at Starbucks, I get the sign-up fee waived, and then once I'm with Capital Group I pay half the fees!! Sweet deal!!! And there are paid holidays and I'm just so excited!! I think this is a really good opportunity and there's a lot of room for growth. AHHHHHHH!! Recently, I feel like I've been waiting for my life to start, but I wasn't really doing anything about it. I think that this is a good first step. It will force me to start moving one direction or another. It does somewhat limit my theatre-involvement opportunities, but hopefully I will be able to find a dinner theatre to get involved with (meaning doing theatre on my free evenings). I really wish I was updating more often, but I've been pretty busy working, babysitting, and trying to be a great girlfriend to Doug! Our three months was on Valentine's Day, and he got me earrings that match the necklace he got me for my birthday... how sweet is he! And I got him tickets to a Kings vs. Ducks game, and he was very excited. (thanks for the idea, Brigh... ;-)) So we're going to the game March 1st... and March 7th will be my last day at Starbucks! I was considering staying on for nights and weekends, but a) I'll be making enough that I won't need to exhaust myself with two jobs, and b) there are too many things going wrong at my store that frustrate me because my manager doesn't do anything about them and I don't have the authority to deal with them myself. I also am very frustrated that he refused to deal with the problems I had with another employee. I am not the only one who noticed her behavior, either, because another shift lead mentioned to me that she didn't like working with her either AND that she couldn't stand the way she talks to me. She doesn't talk to me with any sort of respect and is unnecessarily rude and has attitude. I admit that sometimes, certain things need to be said in a very blunt, direct manner, especially in very busy situations; however, when I am asking a simple question and am treated like an idiot for not knowing where something had been moved to (even though it's where it had "always been"--complete lie) and given attitude for asking a customer what size drink she had ordered because the girl had already started it. I gave a retort that I needed to ring her up, and I admit that I was a little rude, but I also apologized immediately afterward saying that I was not trying to be rude, I was just trying to ring up the customers. I think the only time I have ever gotten an apology from her about any of her behavior was when she said she was sorry if I had taken something she said the wrong way because "obviously" she didn't mean it that way. Yeah, as you can see, I'm beyond ready to get out of there. And you know what? I hope she gets what is coming to her. I don't care if that's the right thing to think, but at this point, and until I can remove myself from the situation, I cannot bring myself to think anything else. I hope her actions are justly rewarded, or, more appropriately, dealt with. Ok, I am going to go, with one more word about what I've been reading. I just finished the "good parts version" of the Princess Bride abridged by William Goldman, and I pretty much loved it. Now I'm on to Riding in Cars with Boys, which I've been meaning to read since I watched and fell in love with the movie. I'll be sure to let you know if you should borrow it from me when I'm done. And if you have any reccommendations, I'm a big fan of fiction in general, some literary fiction/classics, some memoirs, and mysteries (preferrably without cats... what is it with mystery book protagonists and felines??). |
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| Monday, January 1st, 2007 |
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This is my first post since last year when I was 20!!! Ahh, I'm so old!! And I'm pretty tired, I haven't slept since last year! :( I have to work in a half hour... and I was going to get about an hour of sleep, but then I popped my left front tire on the way home, so there went that great plan. I guess I should change into work clothes, hm? Happy New Year!!!! 2007!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Wednesday, December 6th, 2006 |
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 I think this is pretty close to the truth... hm... |
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| Saturday, November 18th, 2006 |
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| so I have a new boyfriend, and I have a good feeling about this one. His name is Doug and he's amazing. I'll put more later, but for now, just know that he is wonderful :) | ||
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| Wednesday, November 1st, 2006 |
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When it comes to a romantic relationship, do I want a guy who loves me or who loves someone else? That may seem like a dumb question, but I think it's a good one. I'll explain: I am who I am. There is always going to be someone who is smarter/prettier/funnier/any-other-er than me. That's just the way it is. Sometimes I'd like to think I'm the best or most something, but in all actuality, I'm not. I'm just me. And I want to find someone who loves me. The me who isn't always as funny as I think I am, who has her dumb days and feeling crummy days. The one who may not be the prettiest or cutest. And that's ok. This applies in various ways... I don't need to compare myself to other women. I might think "If only I had her ankles [that's random, I don't usually want another person's ankles instead of my own], then someone would find me attractive." Ok, let's say I did have her ankles. That just means that the person loves her ankles, not mine. It's not really me! I want to be loved for me, ankles and all. This is not to say that if you have serious character flaws that are harmful or abusive you should just remain the way you are. I think that this allows for personal growth and development. But I don't need to change me, or how I look, or how I am, just to please someone. I want to be loved as is. This does present a challenge, however; if I want to be loved in a way such as that, I need to be willing to do the same for someone else. I can't be loved with all my flaws and then expect a "perfect" mate (not saying a perfect-for-me mate, but perfect-in-all-aspects-generally mate). That is going to be tough. But I can do it. And if I can do it, I can hold out hope that other people can do it, too. In other news, Senator Kerry made an offensive comment regarding our soldiers not working hard and implying that they were dumb. Originally, when called on it, he said he didn't feel the need to apologize, because President Bush was the one who should be apologizing for Iraq. Eventually, he did apologize, but the extent of the apology I heard was "I'm sorry I botched the joke, why would I want to botch the joke on purpose?" WHAT? You're sorry you told a stupid joke? I'm sorry that you think that is the problem, Senator Kerry! You obviously missed what the rest of us picked up on. I am not a soldier, no member of my family is a soldier, and yet I am so offended on behalf of the people in armed forces that I know that are very intelligent and did not deserve to be insulted in that way. I can't begin to describe how this infuriates me. If I used swear words, this paragraph would be full of them, I'm not even joking. I can't talk about it any more. |
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ps I'm still alive. happy november. |
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| Wednesday, September 27th, 2006 |
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| the other day, I was thinking about how the day had not been a particularly good one, and I was on the verge of crying, but I looked at the clock and realized I had to be in class in about fifteen minutes so I didn't even have time to cry. That was a sign of the times, I think... | ||
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| Friday, August 11th, 2006 |
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so building your credit isn't as easy as it looks and getting rewards from your credit card takes a long time, too. |
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| Saturday, July 15th, 2006 |
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yeah I hurt my leg today during a performance... I was trying to get into the group of "chattering girls" and they just wouldn't let me in! so I hit both of my shins on this low box that I didn't see and I thought "wow my leg hurts" and after that song I looked and realized that I was bleeding. So my pain was justified. But since the teens (myself included) are in so much of the show, I had to wait for a few songs before I got to clean it up and put a bandaid on it. AND to top it all off, it is DIRECTLY on top of this other scar that I've had since I was like eight or nine. This is scar #4 in a 1.5 square inch area. WHAT IS WITH MY LEG AND THAT SPOT AND INJURIES? I'm not really sure. It's kind of funny being in this show, because nobody thinks I'm 20 (and some even doubt that I'm telling the truth). One girl saw me driving and said "She's old enough to drive?" Yes, have been for four and a half years now. thanks. I wonder why my bank says I have $60 more than I think I should have. I'm not complaining, but I am just curious as to what I missed. Or possibly, what they missed. Or what just hasn't showed up yet. I need to take a shower SO bad. My "supervisory skills" class for Starbucks is a week from today (since it's Saturday already). That means that not this week, but next week, I will be training to become a shift lead!! YAYY!! Oh and I got my car today from the body shop and it looks BEAUTIFUL! I have two new bumpers and they are shiny and perfect and wonderful! no more accidents from here on out! I decided. ok good night for now. |
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| Monday, June 12th, 2006 |
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sometimes I look at myself and my smallness irritates me. Why can't you just be Nomal sized!? But then I go back to being just fine with my size. |
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| Friday, June 9th, 2006 |
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| I got all A's. Yayy. I went to Ohio for almost two weeks and played mommy for my two nephews, and I realized that as much as I want to be a mother, I don't want to be a mother right now. It's way more work than I want to put myself up to at this point. But I can still play with kids and babysit and all that good stuff. I babysat for Kim last night, and Ben woke up so I had to spend the majority of the like two hours I was there while Sophie was awake trying to calm him down. When he had finally fallen asleep, I came downstairs and I said "Sorry I Had to spend the whole time with Ben, but next time I come over we'll get to play together" and she said "When will that be?" !! She wants me to come back! Isn't that cute? So yeah, I was like "Well, probably next week" she was just so cute. Anyway. I need to go work on cleaning/organizing my room. Oh I need to get gas, too. Hm... | ||||||
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| Wednesday, June 7th, 2006 |
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I have been up for like twenty-one hours or something... that's what happens when you fly among various time zones. I don't know what time my body is on, but I do know I'm messed up for sure. |
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| Saturday, May 13th, 2006 |
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however will I survive the next few days? by not sleeping as much as I would like, regrettably enough. I could say more, but in the interest of time management, I will refrain. |
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| Thursday, May 11th, 2006 |
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If my life were a movie, at least I would have the script. Or maybe my life would be one of those predictable movies, and then I wouldn't even really need a script. Right now I guess I wish I had a script or something because I don't really know what to do. I don't want to grow up. I'm scared. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to grow up. and I think I have everyone fooled. Except for me. I think somehow I have conned people into thinking that I am pretty or that I am funny. I don't know how. Maybe I'm just that good of an actor (or maybe I have fooled people about that too). I feel like I will never be able to journal as much as I want to. If I had it my way, I would probably journal for an hour a day, at least. Now I feel lucky if I can steal a few minutes to jot down a couple of thoughts or things that happened to me. I love being able to look back and basically relive things. I don't know if I will be able to go back and relive some of my recent past because i haven't had the time to document it properly. When I have kids, the first rule they are going to learn is "Never wake mommy up before seven o' clock." I'm going to make it into a lullaby to sing to them when they are young so that it sticks. And 7 will have to be the first number they can recognize, because I am going to buy them a clock and say "Don't wake mommy up until the hand gets to this number, that's the seven." Dream much? Yeah. At least I know that that is only possible in a dream world, that's something, right? If alcohol is an inactive ingredient in mouthwash, why can't they put some other ingredient in there that a) doesn't make me want to tear my mouth off after having used it and b) doesn't make my mouth water like crazy afterwards? I had a dream the other day that one of my molars fell out. I have those dreams a lot, and I hate them. They seem so real and I am always paranoid now that my teeth are going to fall out. And I take pretty good care of my teeth overall. I don't know what I am supposed to do, but I have to figure it out pretty soon. I feel like time is running out in so many aspects. Everything is drawing near its end. But for now I have to go to sleep (See, even me being awake is ending for today!). good night... maybe I will be able to snatch a few more minutes in the near future to explain some of this more thoroughly. |
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| Thursday, May 4th, 2006 |
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I only have a few minutes. I have to work at six. Um... I don't know what is wrong but something is wrong, because things at work aren't going like they used to. I feel like I just want to rant about people who I don't really like working with but that doesn't really accomplish anything. I just don't understand people sometimes. Ok, so you are having problems with the manager. Don't tell me! Tell him! Or if nothing else, the assistant manager. That is what they are there for. I am just a lowly barista (aspiring shift lead, but still aspiring, nothing has really changed in that aspect). I really do want to be there for people when they need me, but I don't want to be a gossiper. I need to find a balance between those two. I am tired. Yesterday I thought it was January. And on Tuesday I thought it was Saturday. I am so messed up. And I only work like 12 hours next week, which is NOT cool. I gotsta pay the bills! I think I am kind of tuning out of my classes and it's a little too early to be doing that... :-\ too bad I don't have time for a nap! I saw Siobhan, Sean, and my dad today. That was very good. I love them a lot. |
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| Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006 |
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so you want to know which piece in tetris I hate the most? The block, the square one. That is the most annoying one. It's like there is almost never space for it. I always have to plan ahead and then when I actually do, there are either no squares OR there are like five in a row and I didn't plan for five in a row, I planned for one! That is the downside to tetris. sometimes I think I have hormones. I mean I know I do, but... yeah. I don't really feel like explaining it. I feel like I should be stressed but I'm not. Maybe there is like a big project I am forgetting? Hmm... nope. I just finished watching a movie... for a class. So there's that. I guess I have to write a couple of papers. Sometimes people are dumb for no good reason. I try to not be that kind of person if I can help it. Tomorrow I am going to meet Scott's parents... I hope it goes well! I'm like 15% nervous, maybe. But I had Panera for lunch today so that was a nice treat for me :-D It's because I did well on my test this morning (I'm pretty sure). And now I am going to take a shower (I think). |
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| Tuesday, April 25th, 2006 |
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so I was thinking that I admire people who really love something, like music or movies or books. Whenever people ask me what kind of music I listen to, I'm laid-back, "yeah I like pretty much anything, I like some popular music and eighties and oldies." But some people you ask and they list off bands they love and why they love them and other bands that they hate and they'll give all sorts of technical reasons, etc. I honestly don't care that much about my music, but I don't think it's a good thing. I think I should. And I can't analyze things, movies in particular. "What did you think about the movie?" "...I liked it?" I think it's because I don't know what to watch for, or I miss a lot of the symbolism that's there. This goes all the way back to elementary school when I was really bad at reading comprehension... I understood the stories, but when they would ask me "what would be a good title for this story?" and how am I supposed to know that "The Quiet River" is a better name than "Natural Scenery" or something? What if I was just more artistic than what those standardized tests wanted? But I digress... I just have never really been good at knowing what people want me to get from a story/movie/cd. I take these things on the surface much of the time... I don't know what to look for. This has become much more of a reality for me this past semester because I'm in a class in which we are supposed to talk about analyzing movies. I consider myself a rather intelligent person, but I kind of feel lost in this class. I mean I follow with the conversation and everything, but I feel like I can't originate something to add to the conversation. If someone brings something up, I can be a part of the discussion, but... I'm not really adept at analyzing. Well, I guess I can analyze conversation in general (can we say comm major? yeah I think so) but other than that... yeah. At any rate, if you really love your music, I admire you. |
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| Monday, April 17th, 2006 |
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I'm tired. I think I'm going to go eat something. annnnd HAPPY EASTER (a few minutes late) Easter is the best holiday ever ever. |
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| Monday, April 10th, 2006 |
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car wash + me = free yes, you read that right... that was my math this morning :) I was working over at starbucks, doing the register thing, and the manager from the carwash behind us came in. He said that we needed to bring our cars over to have them washed, and we were like "yeah we will we will" and he said "Do you have your keys?" So I seriously got my keys and gave them to him (And so did Ashley) and he washed our cars for us! Then I went over on my break to find out who washed my car to tip him (I figured they wouldn't make me pay) but they wouldn't even let me tip them! It was a very nice day. And they could actually clean the inside because I cleaned out my car last night. The trunk is still kinda ehh but the inside, I am SO proud, I fit FIVE PEOPLE in my car today (including me) and it was amazing. I don't remember the last time I fit five people in my car. Ok. I guess I don't really like complaining at all. At work (not just today, but recently) there was complaining taking place about our new manager and about the closers. And I said "Ok, I don't really get why you are complaining and not doing anything about it, because complaining about the manager just fosters negativity and complaining about the closers without like confronting them about what they need to do differently will not change anything." Complaining is just pointless and makes you pessimistic. I was thinking about it... what do I gain from being negative? Maybe an empty feeling of satisfaction or something. I'll admit that sometimes it can feel good to complain (kind of like how you can get full off of junk food but you don't really feel well afterwards?)... but what do I lose from being negative? well, I lose a positive work environment. I lose the opportunity to build relationships with my coworkers and customers. I lose way more than I'd gain from any "fake full" I could get from complaining. And on the flipside, what do I gain from being positive? New relationships, happy, more loyal, truly satisfied customers, and a positive work environment. What do I lose from being positive? I'm still trying to think of something, and I've been up since 6. one more thing before I go to class. Ok maybe two if I type fast. One, the play is OVER!!! I have my LIFE back!! I am so excited. Even if it means I get to sleep earlier or just even sit around and do nothing for two more hours, those hours are MINE!!! I have reclaimed them and I am so glad!!! Two, I took Sylvan's little brothers (from New York) and Dennis (Michelle's friend from up north) to Starbucks today when I got back from work, and it was really fun. I thought that Gabe and Jeremy (the brothers) might be bored when Sylvan was in class, and Dennis and Michelle were unexpectedly available to come too, so it was fun :) I'm glad we all got to go. Um... I think I might get my nails done today. We'll have to see how hefty my tip is. I worked a lot, so... I hope these OCers were generous!! I got some pretty good tips today when I was working the register (and I do mean WORKING the register... booyeah). Oh I've been kind of sick weird the past few days. I had a crazy allergic reaction to nothing on Wed/Thursday and so I've been drugged on and off ever since. What is wrong with me! (well...) Ok seriously it is class time in five minutes, I should go. |
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| Sunday, April 2nd, 2006 |
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yeah Wade called me Friday night and since he was in the area, he came over and we talked. Although he didn't say the words "I want to get back together," that's pretty much the vibe I was getting. But I really have no inclination to get back together with him. I guess I could talk more about this, but I need to go to bed because I'm working tomorrow morning pretty early. yesterday I had lunch with Scott at PANERA!!! I am not even joking. I was so excited. I still am, haha. ok seriously bed time. I hope the nyquil kicks in soon, although usually it doesn't have an effect on me (sleep-wise). Oh well. bye. |
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| Thursday, March 30th, 2006 |
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Sometimes I wish I had stuck with cheerleading. But then I think "almost all of the cheerleaders I knew weren't very nice." But when you think about it, almost anything you choose to do is going to have people that aren't necessarily very nice. Take for example, Starbucks. Gossip is such a big issue, and I hate it when people gossip TO me because it means they probably gossip ABOUT me. I don't know what to do. I try to make jokes about it sometimes but... yeah. I think I can never be fully self-sufficient because I have no concept of the value of a dollar. I can't put it into perspective and I'm terrified that I would get out "on my own" and then die from a lack of money. Rent? Food? Insurance? Phone Bills? haha yeah right I am up a crick without a paddle. Today was a good day at Starbucks. My new manager asked me "what are your plans for the future?" And I said "well I'm graduating in December and after that I was hoping to stay here and hopefully do an acting class or something" and he said "well we're probably going to have a couple of shift leads leave in 3-6 months. Are you interested in becoming a shift lead?" and I was like "YES." But I also told him I don't want to be a shift lead until I'm ready, like I don't want to just be one to be one, and he said something like it'd still be at least three months, probably more like six months away. But still, how exciting! I'm very very very excited. Ok my fingers smell like lighter fluid and I work at 6:30 tomorrow morning, so I need to a)wash my hands and b)go to bed. |
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I don't think I'm ever going to be self-sufficient. I just don't think it's going to happen, and that makes me sad. It would be so great to not have to depend on my parents for like, everything. But... I don't know how it's going to happen. sometimes I just feel like I want to go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR ok now that that's out of the way, back to me being self-sufficient, or, rather, not being self-sufficient. ok nevermind I'm too tired to go into it now. I don't think I could explain it very well anyway. but in other news, how can I be so particular about some things but such a slob in others? I mean my room is a mess (although I cleaned it tonight so it's only a half mess) but you better not MESS with my toothpaste cap. And stale food is an absolute no-no. I'm such a freak, I'm not joking. I don't know how anyone could live with me. I don't even know how I've managed this long. Anyway, sleep time. |
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| Friday, March 24th, 2006 |
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I think I need to brush my teeth (what a way to start out my entry). I also think that it's been a while since I've had a good, deep entry. I'm not saying this is going to be one, but it has been a while since my last really thoughtful entry, as far as I remember. Um I worked yesterday and when I asked my manager if I could be certified as a barista, he said that we could do it really soon and he said that they were thinking of sending me to the learning coach class, which means I would help train new baristas, and Vanessa also said that they are going to start a PDP, which is like a partner develop plan or something. I'm excited! It's all good news. I worked this morning, 6:30-10:45, then I had a lunchy breakfast with Natasha, which was great. And you know what, I ate my whole meal! I can't remember the last time I ate the whole meal I ordered at a restaurant. Oh I got my toes done today, spur of the moment. They look cute. Oh but the lady who did my nails asked me, basically, if I was old enough to have a job (I told her I worked that morning). Yeah she didn't think I was sixteen, apparently. I am going to sleep in tomorrow, then I'm going to go see the Scott. I work at 9, but we're going to hang out after he gets off work until I have to go to work! Nice how that works out, hm? that's kind of what I thought. I think I need to go to sleep. I took a shower a few minutes ago, that was great. Yes, so... I am going to go. Oh I want soup, soup would be good. Maybe tomorrow I will eat some. |
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| Thursday, March 16th, 2006 |
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it went so well! I called Ben today to cancel Sunday and tell him yeah I can't date you anymore, and before I could get out the part about me not dating him anymore, he basically said that it wasn't working out for us to date... so it was totally a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. And I'm glad. We said we'll still email and maybe hang out, but strictly as friends, and I think it might actually work out. It was just weird going from friends for forever to hey maybe more than friends, and I had built him up to be something he wasn't. But things will be good now. And I'm going to hopefully see Scott today! I am at my dad's house right now. I took Sean and Siobhan to Denny's and I'm going to take them to the movies in a little bit. :) |
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| Wednesday, March 15th, 2006 |
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have I lost weight or something? my face kind of looks thinner than it did a few years ago. Other than that, I look the same. Well, I guess my hair's different. whatever, for the most part I look the same to me. um, so... guys. I have decided that I'm going to eliminate one guy from my list (not like I'm going to eliminate him from existing, but... I am not going to be casually dating him anymore). And the weakest link is: Ben. I'm not going to talk about it right now, but I have my reasons. I am probably going to see him Sunday, so I need to break off the friendly dating thing... it's going to be weird and hard. blahhhh. But Scott is still on the list. He made me a mix cd of all these songs that either prove he was listening to me (when I mentioned things) or that he thought I would like because they're eighties, or that mean something (she drives me crazy ooo ooo like no one else, etc). It was so sweet. And he asked if we were official, and I said not yet. (I was really proud of myself because normally I would just say "yes," but I really want to figure out some more stuff and wait). I told him a little bit later that I don't want to rush into anything and he said he doesn't want me to rush, but he does want to be my boyfriend. I was scheduled to work 9pm-1am last night and he waited for me! And we didn't get done till just after 2... I felt so bad because he was going to open the next day, but I did think it was really sweet. He really does listen to me... he's taking me to a play tomorrow night. I can't get over him... I don't think I want to :) |
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| Sunday, March 5th, 2006 |
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| and as if my life wasn't crazy enough already... it just got a little crazier. | ||||||
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My LiveJournal!
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